Gits-N-Shiggles

wheel of fortune blacklist

2005-10-03T23:53:00.000-05:00

Anybody out there a Wheel Of Fortune fan? I used to love that show, but now that my mind has been spoiled by rotten movies, cable tv, and video games, I can barely remember what it was like to have good clean fun. Nevertheless, let me take a moment to share with you my favorite WoF category - "Before & After."
Actually, what I really want to share with you is the devil's secret stash of Before & After's that never made it on the show (due to its family oriented nature). If you have absolutely no clue what's going on, here is an example: snot rocket + rocket science = snot rocket science.

[UPDATE 10/04: I thought some of these were so damn funny I decided to give them definitions too]

Using a picture for each one would make the page take forever to load, so here is a list of my personal favorites, in no particular order:

blow job security - the peace of mind of having a girlfriend to do you favors on a regular basis

paint chips ahoy - favorite snack of the troublemaking lunatic kid down the street

pussy whipped cream - dessert topping that goes on the body of a girl who can use her good looks to get her guy to do ANYTHING she wants

support group sex - what happens when people seek help for their personal problems, and then get together to have an orgy

ball sack lunch - method of obtaining a free mid-day meal by exposing oneself to the lady at the hot dog stand, so that she flees in terror

semi colon cancer - rare terminal illness that mainly afflicts picky English teachers

morning wood work - gives a man's boxers the structure of a circus tent after he wakes up

landing strip club - a seedy topless joint that always seems to be located just outside a major metropolitan airport

freak show girls - the fine young ladies who work at the landing strip club (see above)

chicken breast enlargement - a procedure done to hens, paid for by their farmer-pimps, to make them more attractive to grocery stores.

flower pot head - a retired hippie grandma who enjoys the beauty of nature through that "special" type of gardening.

cigarette butt buddy - that annoying guy who pretends to be everyone's best friend when he's just smoked the last of his pack, and still needs a fix

titty bar mitzvah - every 13 year old Jewish kid's wildest dream

man juice squeezer - your right hand, your left hand, or both if you're a "switch hitter"

mediterranean sea men - what you might find in/on the beds of single women who live near a port in Greece

ocean blue balls - a common condition suffered by enlisted Navy men, now that women are allowed into the service

pubic hair dresser - a job that should never have any openings, except maybe in Las Vegas or Amsterdam

golden shower rod - every man has one of these, but not necessarily the guts to use it for that specific purpose

trouser snake bite - what every young girl fears of older men

doggie style invitational - when a student has a relationship with his English teacher, and she gets on her hands and knees in front of him, requesting that he talk dirty to her in a grammatically creative manner

helping hand job - when you can't finish it yourself, or simply just don't want to

fore play money - the $1 bills that are stuck in a stripper's g-string, because that's pretty much all you get from it

french horn ball - the dorky band kid who doesn't realize how much he stares at girls' chests while he's struggling to have a conversation with them

forest fire crotch - unique condition that begins with smoke rising out from between the legs of a redhead when he/she gets extremely aroused

shuttle cock tease - any woman who plays badminton in a short skirt and a low cut shirt

congress man whore - a member of the legislative branch who has the same ideologies as former President Clinton

toilet paper jam - what happens when you use too much without an inbetween flush, often causing the bowl to overflow

[i will update this post every time i think of a few more good ones]

*All b&a's listed here are original as far as I know, including the one in the picture* - I always use my own material unless mentioned otherwise. It's better that way because ANYONE can copy and paste funny stuff into their blogs. [see movie Office Space for the definition of a "no-talent ass-clown"]

If anyone wants to share their own raunchy b&a's, please leave me a comment!

vagina who, what?

2005-09-30T22:21:00.000-05:00

It just dawned on me the other day that I am 22 years old, and for someone who purports to be an adult, I have very limited knowledge of a few common “adult” topics, in particular the human reproductive system. Don’t get me wrong, I know where things go and have very little trouble with pleasing a woman (I wouldn’t say so if I hadn’t already been told so), but that’s about as far as it goes. When my parents gave me the "talk", which was about 10 or so years ago, I probably pretended I was somewhere else and didn't pay very much attention. In addition, I haven't had a biology class since 9th grade. If some kid happened to ask me what the purpose of a woman's “period” is, I doubt I’d be able to give a clear, concise explanation without a little trouble. I would probably use a lot of “uhs” and “ums,” stumbling over the word “vagina” as I substitute it in the place of a slew of words that are less than educational.

Going off on a tangent here, I still get a kick out of 3rd grade humor, so my favorite metaphors for human genitalia are as follows:

penis – purple-headed yogurt slinger
vagina – velvet-lined sausage wallet

Guys: have you and your girlfriend ever been naked with the lights on, and out of curiosity you just kinda leaned in and got a close-up of her vagina for a second? Chances are she probably covered it up frantically and exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing!" as if you were plotting some sort of terrorist attack against the United States of Labiamerica.
Yeah, well I tried this once, and she freaked. But all I had to say for myself was, "Let me get this straight: you'll let me put something inside it, but you won't let me just look at it for like 5 seconds without touching? Come on, that doesn't make any sense." Haha. I know I'm not the first guy to notice that girls are kind of weird about this.

Anyway, what spawned this post was mindless internet surfing, followed by a random memory of those old Monistat commercials that frequently littered primetime TV about treatment for yeast infections. Honestly, I don’t have a fucking clue what a yeast infection is, and having had a chance to contemplate it, I don’t think I really want to know. The name sounds like one of those things that might not seem like a big deal, but could also be really disgusting. I'd rather just keep the fuzzy image in my mind of a vagina that has decided to turn itself into a bakery instead of a reproductive organ, which somehow raises health concerns. Apparently females are only meant to produce babies and milk, so if there’s any sign of cinnamon raisin bread it’s probably time to see a doctor.

lazy freakin bums

2005-09-15T19:16:00.000-05:00

Never underestimate the power of a lazy person to make his/her life easier (usually his). I think laziness is an inherent human trait, because there's something about life in general that makes people expend as little energy as possible when the fruits of their labor are not immediately evident. This is quite unfortunate, but not always bad. In fact, sometimes it's downright funny. Examples:

1. The Dishwasher Bum - Instead of unloading the clean dishes and putting them away, gets new dishes straight out of the dishwasher, eliminating the need for cabinets. Confusion often arises when dirty dishes and clean dishes are mixed, but hey, they can be washed again. Let the machine do all the work. That's what machines are for.

2. The Clean Clothes Bum - After doing a few loads of laundry, folds the clothes neatly and puts them in a pile on the bed. Then, when it's time to go to sleep, is too tired to put them away, and throws them on the floor. Next day, puts them back on the bed, repeating the whole process. After a few days some wrinklage may occur, but that's okay, you can always just put them back in the dryer.

3. The Communication Bums
a) IM Bum - While in the dorm sitting at the computer, sends his roommate an instant message (who is sitting only about 10 feet away), so as not to have to turn his head slightly and actually open his mouth to communicate. Has been known to laugh aloud during the conversation, but still type "lol" or "haha" in the message window.
b) Cell Phone Bum - Lives off campus, and often calls his roommate on his cell phone when both of them are at home, just to avoid a ten second trip down the hallway.
*There are no downsides to these two types of laziness, and they have each become a hallmark of college kids.

4. The Empty Pitcher Bum - When getting some lemonade, will pour himself a glass, and upon noticing that there's hardly any left, will actually pour some of it back into the pitcher. He then puts the pitcher back into the refrigerator - a classic pitcher-refill avoidance tactic. Nevermind the fact that he was thirsty and his body could have used the extra fluid; the consequences of using precious energy to make more lemonade are far more serious than dehydration.

5. The End of the Aisle Bum - Shows up early to class, a movie, a concert or other event (normally considered unlazy behavior) that has rows of stationary seating and no assigned seats, and then chooses the seat on the end of the row. When others try to sit down, he acts annoyed when they climb over him to find an empty seat, as if they should have - a) gotten there long before he sat down - b) climbed over the ten other people sitting on the same row instead - or c) used climbing gear to rappell down to their seats from the rafters like ninjas. Everyone freaking hates this bum.

[MORE TO COME]

boobs on the job

2005-08-02T10:54:00.000-05:00

I'm a boob guy. A close 2nd and 3rd are eyes/legs, but boobs are one of the first physical features I look at when it comes to females. Before you get all mad and call me a pig, just keep in mind the whole biological programming thing and the fact that it's partly instinct. (Also, if you think I'm a pig, you can kiss my hairy white man ass!) Just for the record, personality is by far the most important trait in the end, it's just not as outwardly visible at first.
Anyway, looking (staring?) at cleavage is something I don't usually try to control if I'm not at work, but AT work, it's a different story. As you may already know, I'm a server at the Olive Garden. I started working there after they built a brand new building (the old one burnt to the ground), and it's a pretty elegant design compared to most of the others. To get to the point, good-looking customers are a common thing at nice restaurants. We get an exceptional number of good looking women on a regular basis, and this is great because it makes work less boring. But, sometimes it sucks when they sit at one of MY tables. The reasons:
1. If they're in someone else's section, I can steal glances, make funny faces, or pretty much do anything dumb without having to worry about my tip.
2. If it's just one and she's with a guy, he'll probably notice if I stare at her for more than a second. And if he's in charge of the tip, I'm probably screwed. Well, I'd probably be screwed anyway if she noticed and felt uncomfortable. Moving onward:
Whenever some delicious "dairy fresh" female sits in my section, it's like I've got the good angel / bad angel duo sitting on my shoulders.
The bad angel is like, "Mike, you big homo, you best be looking at those boobies. The future of your species depends upon this kind of behavior, buddy!"
The good angel is like "Ok, DON'T stare at her boobs. It's impolite. Got it? Don't... crap! - you're staring. Quick! Tell her she's got a bug on her shirt or something!"
SIDE NOTES:
I do not understand girls who wear revealing clothes and get offended when people look. If you don't want us to look, put some clothes on, bitch!
I do understand that she might want SOMEONE to look, maybe her boyfriend or a few select single men at the bar, but that she doesn't want EVERYONE to stare. Especially the ones she has absolutely no interest in. Fine. But...
That's what lingerie was made for, bitch! Haha.

gas math

2005-07-30T18:54:00.000-05:00

The price of gasoline is probably one of the most widely recognizable prices of any consumer product in the United States. Even so, most people aren't smart enough to make eduacted decisions about their purchases because they don't understand basic math. That doesn't surprise me at all. What does surprise me is that even the people whose whole lives seems to revolve around the stupid sports car they drive do not seem to understand understand the following concept:

Octane ratings
Over the years I've heard people who own a high performance car say "oh, I know it's supposed to take premium, but I use the cheap stuff anyway." I drive a Honda Prelude, and the 5th generation models are designed to use premium gas, as are a number of other high performance cars (i.e. foreign sport compacts, domestic muscle). The reason for this is too much to be explained here, but long story short I can tell you that it does not hurt the car in the short run to use regular. Modern automotive computer systems will detect lower octane rated gas and adjust the engine's timing to compensate, BUT the result is decreased performance. If you drive a high performance car, performance was probably one of the biggest reasons you got it (unless you are female and just like the color). Anyway, using inferior gas on a car that was designed for the good stuff is just plain stupid and I can prove it:
1. If you are worried about saving money on gas, why did you buy a high performance car in the first place? If the answer is "I don't know" or "I just like the way it looks" - you should make friends with people who get their combo meals at McDonald's with a Diet Coke. That way neither of you will feel burdened by each other's lack of intelligence.
2. The difference between regular and premium in most places is $0.20/gal. Yes, that's one-fifth of one dollar. To illustrate what that really means, let's say you have a 18 gallon tank, which is quite large for most 2 door cars. When your gauge is at the empty mark, you would probably have about 2 gallons left in reserve, which means to fill up you would have to buy 16 gallons. Buying premium would mean spending 16 * .2 = $3.20 extra per tank. If you fill up once a week, that's 3.2 * 4 = $12.80 per month. Honestly, is twelve dollars and eighty cents REALLY going to break the bank? If so, you should have bought a different car to begin with.

dumb things heard at work

2005-07-03T18:51:00.000-05:00

I am a server at the Olive Garden, and pretty much like any restaurant, customers always say really stupid crap. And if that person is usually you, then yes, we probably make fun of you in the kitchen. I'll just highlight a few examples:

"Can I get an iced tea, with no ice?"
Classic stroke of genius here. "Ok, sooo... you don't want iced tea then. You just want 'tea'?" I often make smart remarks without even thinking twice about it, but then I think to myself, damn it, these people are paying me to be nice. Oh well. Come on, honestly, iced tea with no ice? Would you also like me to bring you a non-alcoholic gin and tonic to go with your meal, dipshit?

"Could I have the fettucine alfredo, but with angel hair pasta?"
Heh, heh, this is a good one. Everyone seems to think that when you go to a restaurant, you MUST order a listed menu item, and then modify it to suit your needs. But in reality, you can order pretty much anything you want as long as the ingredients are available. Either which way, fettucine alfredo with angel hair pasta is NOT fettucine alfredo, tard-face! "So, what you really want is the angel hair alfredo?" Seriously, that's like walking into a Ford dealership, and saying "I want a red F-150, but can I get it in blue instead?" Dumb. Ass.

"What kind of pasta comes on the Spaghetti Delle Rocca?"
This was a question that an employee actually asked me. I was speechless.

"I want soup."
Me: "What kind of soup would you like?"
"I'll take the zuppa." (note: zuppa is Italian for 'soup')
Me: "Yes, we've established that. Now just tell me what kind."
I don't even feel like explaining this one, except that one of our soups is called the 'zuppa toscana.'

"Can I sit upstairs?"
Our restaurant has a second story balcony in the wine hutch room, with a large window, a display table, a couple of chairs, and some plants. There are no stairs or any other way to get up there. Yet, I just can't help myself: "Sure, be my guest. I'll be with you in just a moment."

Some people are so damn stupid I feel like I should tutor them after hours or something. It's unbelievable how many in this town could use an academic high school reunion to absorb some of the basic thinking skills everyone should have.

UPDATES:

"Could you bring us some salad and breadsticks as soon as possible?"
Unbelievable. Since when does your waiter EVER intentionally take their sweet time to do anything? Our job depends on how fast we work coupled with how enjoyable we make the experience. Dragging our feet means we get less tables per shift, which usually translates to less money. That's the whole concept of "turning tables." And yes, you guessed it, I've got a smart answer for everything:
"No ma'am, probably not. See, what I usually do after I take people's orders is go straight to the break room, stare at the ceiling for a few minutes, and then poke my finger around in my butt. After that, I'll see what I can do."

when naptime goes wrong

2005-06-23T20:04:00.000-05:00

I think most everyone enjoys a good nap now and then, especially college kids. People give us way too much credit because we pretty much act like we're in kindergarten. That aside, naptime can take a turn for the worst if you aren't careful.
Have you ever taken a 3-4 hour nap (long enough for you sleep off immediate consciousness of the day's events), and then woken up precisely at that time of evening where the PM sky looks very much the same as the AM sky from earlier that day? Well, I did that today (Thursday) - fell asleep after class at about 4pm, and then woke up at about 7:30pm. I thought it was Friday morning at 7:30am and started flipping out, running around in circles, because I have to leave for class at 9:30am. It hit me like a ton of bricks that there was no possible way I could finish all the work I had left in 2 hrs, and was absolutely convinced that I was going to fail summer school English Lit. I have a 3-4 page paper and a take home test due, and all I've finished so far is a 2nd revision of the rough draft for the paper. Then I noticed the clock on my computer still said Thursday, and after shaking my head a few times in utter confusion, I realized I had only been asleep for about 3 hours, and that the sun was setting, not rising. Damn it. The mind can play evil tricks on you when least expect it...

biking is way better than running

2005-06-22T00:36:00.000-05:00

I've been involved in at least one sport or another since I was a little kid, but for the most part I wasn't any good at them. I could always do one part well because I had decent hand-eye coordination, but lacked in other areas due to inattention and apathy. I guess it always had to do with whether or not the action was focused on me; in baseball I was a good hitter, but a crappy fielder. In basketball, a good shooter but a crappy defender. Too small for football, lost interest in soccer after elementary school. In fact, the only thing I could play well was tennis, until I broke my collar bone. In tennis exactly 1/2 of the action is focused on you, and it relies very heavily upon hand-eye coordination (without the possibility of ever having to run more than about 25 feet). Anyway, the wayward point of the story is that I have always hated running. It sucks. I know it's really good exercise, but I can't force myself to like it. Treadmills are the worst; at least when you run outside the scenery changes. I have and always will love a good bike ride, and I used to go all the time back home around the lake in Dallas. And no matter who goes with me, they get left in the dust. It's so much better than running, and I've figured out why - on a bike, *if* you get tired, you can coast for a minute or so. On foot, *when* you get tired, if you try to coast even for one second, you're going to trip and fall flat on your face.

ringtones for retards

2005-06-21T12:56:00.000-05:00

I've come to the conclusion that music ringtones for your cell phone are the biggest load of crap as far as accessorizing any of your personal possessions. What person in their right mind wants to pay $2-3 for a song they just get to hear a part of only when someone calls, which can't be transferred to any other device? It amazes me that people are that stupid enough to buy music ringtones knowing that downloading songs from iTunes or elsewhere costs $1 or less and you get to listen to the whole thing whenever you want. In fact, it's so widespread that you can't even buy "normal" sounding ringtones. You're stuck with the ones that came with your phone. Even so, no one else around you really wants to hear a rap song about bitches and whores keeping it real on the west side with a g-string eating chicken wings (or whatever they do) every time you get a phone call. That's almost as bad as driving around town with your windows down, music all the way up. You're not doing us any favors by playing it for all to hear, jackass.
To me, having a song play on my phone when someone tries to call me is like having my toilet read me my email whenever I lift the lid to take a really big shit. It's totally unnecessary. If you want to listen to music, get a portable mp3 player and some headphones. The worst thing about music ringtones is whenever your phone isn't near you, you can't hear it. Ringers (the real kind) are designed to interrupt the normal flow of sound in everyday life, just like alarm clocks, to alert you for a reason. You might say that "oh, but alarm clocks play music too, what do you think about that, smartass?" Well, when I set my alarm clock to play music, I make sure it's music I don't like (i.e. country), because otherwise there's no way I'm actually going to wake up.

name on a credit card

2005-06-21T12:31:00.001-05:00

I've worked in restaurants for about a year and a half now, and during that time I've seen some pretty damn funny names on credit cards. Last night wins the grand prize: I had a customer named "Fauna Beavers." As I stood for a moment in disbelief at the computer while closing out her ticket (trying not to laugh), I was thinking there's no way her parents could have done that by accident. Come on, with a last name like "Beavers" you have to be really careful with what you put in front of it. Naturally, I showed it to people that were working that night, but the girls didn't get it. Go figure.
Anyway, I just thought it'd be funny if I ran into her one day outside of work, and asked, "hey, are you Fauna Beavers?" She would reply "yes..." and of course I'd say "that's awesome, me too!" Heh, heh, gotta love juvenile humor. Maybe she'll come back sometime to eat with her friend Alotta Fagina from Austin Powers...

new-b-logger

2005-06-21T12:02:00.000-05:00

I've always been a good writer, and until now, most of my random thoughts have been organized into away messages via AIM. I'm jumping on the blogging bandwagon because away messages get old after awhile, and after formatting my hard drive a few times I've lost most of my good ones. Plus, I think it would be nice to have some extra features like picture posting, archiving, etc. So, here is my boring 1st-time-poster post. For all you seasoned blogging pros out there, let me know if you have any suggestions, and feel free to comment on my postings. I like agreement, but opposition is even better! Bitch!