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Friday, September 30, 2005

vagina who, what?

It just dawned on me the other day that I am 22 years old, and for someone who purports to be an adult, I have very limited knowledge of a few common “adult” topics, in particular the human reproductive system. Don’t get me wrong, I know where things go and have very little trouble with pleasing a woman (I wouldn’t say so if I hadn’t already been told so), but that’s about as far as it goes. When my parents gave me the "talk", which was about 10 or so years ago, I probably pretended I was somewhere else and didn't pay very much attention. In addition, I haven't had a biology class since 9th grade. If some kid happened to ask me what the purpose of a woman's “period” is, I doubt I’d be able to give a clear, concise explanation without a little trouble. I would probably use a lot of “uhs” and “ums,” stumbling over the word “vagina” as I substitute it in the place of a slew of words that are less than educational.

Going off on a tangent here, I still get a kick out of 3rd grade humor, so my favorite metaphors for human genitalia are as follows:

  1. penis – purple-headed yogurt slinger
  2. vagina – velvet-lined sausage wallet

Guys: have you and your girlfriend ever been naked with the lights on, and out of curiosity you just kinda leaned in and got a close-up of her vagina for a second? Chances are she probably covered it up frantically and exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing!" as if you were plotting some sort of terrorist attack against the United States of Labiamerica.
Yeah, well I tried this once, and she freaked. But all I had to say for myself was, "Let me get this straight: you'll let me put something inside it, but you won't let me just look at it for like 5 seconds without touching? Come on, that doesn't make any sense." Haha. I know I'm not the first guy to notice that girls are kind of weird about this.

Anyway, what spawned this post was mindless internet surfing, followed by a random memory of those old Monistat commercials that frequently littered primetime TV about treatment for yeast infections. Honestly, I don’t have a fucking clue what a yeast infection is, and having had a chance to contemplate it, I don’t think I really want to know. The name sounds like one of those things that might not seem like a big deal, but could also be really disgusting. I'd rather just keep the fuzzy image in my mind of a vagina that has decided to turn itself into a bakery instead of a reproductive organ, which somehow raises health concerns. Apparently females are only meant to produce babies and milk, so if there’s any sign of cinnamon raisin bread it’s probably time to see a doctor.

3 Comments:

Blogger So Lost said...

Cartoon was hifreakinglarious!!

Just popping in from Blog Explosion to say hi!

Have a great day!

10:51 PM  
Anonymous longlegsandabrain said...

Love your posts! Write more!

5:37 PM  
Blogger So Lost said...

Ballistic? Tell me more!

10:15 PM  

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