Friday, September 30, 2005

vagina who, what?

It just dawned on me the other day that I am 22 years old, and for someone who purports to be an adult, I have very limited knowledge of a few common “adult” topics, in particular the human reproductive system. Don’t get me wrong, I know where things go and have very little trouble with pleasing a woman (I wouldn’t say so if I hadn’t already been told so), but that’s about as far as it goes. When my parents gave me the "talk", which was about 10 or so years ago, I probably pretended I was somewhere else and didn't pay very much attention. In addition, I haven't had a biology class since 9th grade. If some kid happened to ask me what the purpose of a woman's “period” is, I doubt I’d be able to give a clear, concise explanation without a little trouble. I would probably use a lot of “uhs” and “ums,” stumbling over the word “vagina” as I substitute it in the place of a slew of words that are less than educational.

Going off on a tangent here, I still get a kick out of 3rd grade humor, so my favorite metaphors for human genitalia are as follows:

  1. penis – purple-headed yogurt slinger
  2. vagina – velvet-lined sausage wallet

Guys: have you and your girlfriend ever been naked with the lights on, and out of curiosity you just kinda leaned in and got a close-up of her vagina for a second? Chances are she probably covered it up frantically and exclaimed, "What the hell are you doing!" as if you were plotting some sort of terrorist attack against the United States of Labiamerica.
Yeah, well I tried this once, and she freaked. But all I had to say for myself was, "Let me get this straight: you'll let me put something inside it, but you won't let me just look at it for like 5 seconds without touching? Come on, that doesn't make any sense." Haha. I know I'm not the first guy to notice that girls are kind of weird about this.

Anyway, what spawned this post was mindless internet surfing, followed by a random memory of those old Monistat commercials that frequently littered primetime TV about treatment for yeast infections. Honestly, I don’t have a fucking clue what a yeast infection is, and having had a chance to contemplate it, I don’t think I really want to know. The name sounds like one of those things that might not seem like a big deal, but could also be really disgusting. I'd rather just keep the fuzzy image in my mind of a vagina that has decided to turn itself into a bakery instead of a reproductive organ, which somehow raises health concerns. Apparently females are only meant to produce babies and milk, so if there’s any sign of cinnamon raisin bread it’s probably time to see a doctor.

Thursday, September 15, 2005

lazy freakin bums

Never underestimate the power of a lazy person to make his/her life easier (usually his). I think laziness is an inherent human trait, because there's something about life in general that makes people expend as little energy as possible when the fruits of their labor are not immediately evident. This is quite unfortunate, but not always bad. In fact, sometimes it's downright funny. Examples:

1. The Dishwasher Bum - Instead of unloading the clean dishes and putting them away, gets new dishes straight out of the dishwasher, eliminating the need for cabinets. Confusion often arises when dirty dishes and clean dishes are mixed, but hey, they can be washed again. Let the machine do all the work. That's what machines are for.

2. The Clean Clothes Bum - After doing a few loads of laundry, folds the clothes neatly and puts them in a pile on the bed. Then, when it's time to go to sleep, is too tired to put them away, and throws them on the floor. Next day, puts them back on the bed, repeating the whole process. After a few days some wrinklage may occur, but that's okay, you can always just put them back in the dryer.

3. The Communication Bums
a) IM Bum - While in the dorm sitting at the computer, sends his roommate an instant message (who is sitting only about 10 feet away), so as not to have to turn his head slightly and actually open his mouth to communicate. Has been known to laugh aloud during the conversation, but still type "lol" or "haha" in the message window.
b) Cell Phone Bum - Lives off campus, and often calls his roommate on his cell phone when both of them are at home, just to avoid a ten second trip down the hallway.
*There are no downsides to these two types of laziness, and they have each become a hallmark of college kids.

4. The Empty Pitcher Bum - When getting some lemonade, will pour himself a glass, and upon noticing that there's hardly any left, will actually pour some of it back into the pitcher. He then puts the pitcher back into the refrigerator - a classic pitcher-refill avoidance tactic. Nevermind the fact that he was thirsty and his body could have used the extra fluid; the consequences of using precious energy to make more lemonade are far more serious than dehydration.

5. The End of the Aisle Bum - Shows up early to class, a movie, a concert or other event (normally considered unlazy behavior) that has rows of stationary seating and no assigned seats, and then chooses the seat on the end of the row. When others try to sit down, he acts annoyed when they climb over him to find an empty seat, as if they should have - a) gotten there long before he sat down - b) climbed over the ten other people sitting on the same row instead - or c) used climbing gear to rappell down to their seats from the rafters like ninjas. Everyone freaking hates this bum.