Tuesday, August 02, 2005

boobs on the job

I'm a boob guy. A close 2nd and 3rd are eyes/legs, but boobs are one of the first physical features I look at when it comes to females. Before you get all mad and call me a pig, just keep in mind the whole biological programming thing and the fact that it's partly instinct. (Also, if you think I'm a pig, you can kiss my hairy white man ass!) Just for the record, personality is by far the most important trait in the end, it's just not as outwardly visible at first.
Anyway, looking (staring?) at cleavage is something I don't usually try to control if I'm not at work, but AT work, it's a different story. As you may already know, I'm a server at the Olive Garden. I started working there after they built a brand new building (the old one burnt to the ground), and it's a pretty elegant design compared to most of the others. To get to the point, good-looking customers are a common thing at nice restaurants. We get an exceptional number of good looking women on a regular basis, and this is great because it makes work less boring. But, sometimes it sucks when they sit at one of MY tables. The reasons:
1. If they're in someone else's section, I can steal glances, make funny faces, or pretty much do anything dumb without having to worry about my tip.
2. If it's just one and she's with a guy, he'll probably notice if I stare at her for more than a second. And if he's in charge of the tip, I'm probably screwed. Well, I'd probably be screwed anyway if she noticed and felt uncomfortable. Moving onward:
Whenever some delicious "dairy fresh" female sits in my section, it's like I've got the good angel / bad angel duo sitting on my shoulders.
The bad angel is like, "Mike, you big homo, you best be looking at those boobies. The future of your species depends upon this kind of behavior, buddy!"
The good angel is like "Ok, DON'T stare at her boobs. It's impolite. Got it? Don't... crap! - you're staring. Quick! Tell her she's got a bug on her shirt or something!"
I do not understand girls who wear revealing clothes and get offended when people look. If you don't want us to look, put some clothes on, bitch!
I do understand that she might want SOMEONE to look, maybe her boyfriend or a few select single men at the bar, but that she doesn't want EVERYONE to stare. Especially the ones she has absolutely no interest in. Fine. But...
That's what lingerie was made for, bitch! Haha.


Blogger Robin said...


As a female with large breasts I feel the need to express my opinion. You are totally fucking RIGHT!!! I am sick of girls bitching about being treated like a piece of meat when they go around dressing like a $5 hooker. I am very aware of the awe-inspiring power of boobs and I use them to my advantage when necessary.

The only annoying thing about having large breasts is when guys are so overwhelmed by them that they become physically unable to shift their gaze from my cleavage to my face while having a conversation with me. Don't get me wrong, it is always flattering to be checked out by a guy (and any girl who says otherwise is lying) but every once in a while it would be nice if y'all check out our pretty smiles too! Most guys are pretty good about maintaining some level of eye contact, but every once in a while I'll come across a total sleaze who doesn't even happen to notice the drool string hanging from his bottom lip.

So just keep your breast gazing in check and enjoy the scenery!

10:42 PM  
Blogger Jenny said...

Ok, I got her from Robin's blog. I was cracking up at this post. I loved it. I couldn't agree more about girls wanting to show you everything and gettting mad when you look. I think it sucks to be a guy because there are so many girls out who send mixed signals.

Boobage is meant to be looked at, admired, but also kept in perspective. Get a look, appreciate, but know what color her eyes are too.

1:46 AM  
Blogger Ree said...

So this was like last night right??? Haha, this is totally funny. I can't figure out how to add pictures; mine to my profile or to a posting.....HELP!! I added you to my aim but I guess you aren't online.....

2:41 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I enjoy reading the stories on your site. Keep up the super articles!


1:42 AM  

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