dumb things heard at work
"Can I get an iced tea, with no ice?"
Classic stroke of genius here. "Ok, sooo... you don't want iced tea then. You just want 'tea'?" I often make smart remarks without even thinking twice about it, but then I think to myself, damn it, these people are paying me to be nice. Oh well. Come on, honestly, iced tea with no ice? Would you also like me to bring you a non-alcoholic gin and tonic to go with your meal, dipshit?
"Could I have the fettucine alfredo, but with angel hair pasta?"
Heh, heh, this is a good one. Everyone seems to think that when you go to a restaurant, you MUST order a listed menu item, and then modify it to suit your needs. But in reality, you can order pretty much anything you want as long as the ingredients are available. Either which way, fettucine alfredo with angel hair pasta is NOT fettucine alfredo, tard-face! "So, what you really want is the angel hair alfredo?" Seriously, that's like walking into a Ford dealership, and saying "I want a red F-150, but can I get it in blue instead?" Dumb. Ass.
"What kind of pasta comes on the Spaghetti Delle Rocca?"
This was a question that an employee actually asked me. I was speechless.
"I want soup."
Me: "What kind of soup would you like?"
"I'll take the zuppa." (note: zuppa is Italian for 'soup')
Me: "Yes, we've established that. Now just tell me what kind."
I don't even feel like explaining this one, except that one of our soups is called the 'zuppa toscana.'
"Can I sit upstairs?"
Our restaurant has a second story balcony in the wine hutch room, with a large window, a display table, a couple of chairs, and some plants. There are no stairs or any other way to get up there. Yet, I just can't help myself: "Sure, be my guest. I'll be with you in just a moment."
Some people are so damn stupid I feel like I should tutor them after hours or something. It's unbelievable how many in this town could use an academic high school reunion to absorb some of the basic thinking skills everyone should have.
"Could you bring us some salad and breadsticks as soon as possible?"
Unbelievable. Since when does your waiter EVER intentionally take their sweet time to do anything? Our job depends on how fast we work coupled with how enjoyable we make the experience. Dragging our feet means we get less tables per shift, which usually translates to less money. That's the whole concept of "turning tables." And yes, you guessed it, I've got a smart answer for everything:
"No ma'am, probably not. See, what I usually do after I take people's orders is go straight to the break room, stare at the ceiling for a few minutes, and then poke my finger around in my butt. After that, I'll see what I can do."